I can copeI am strongBring it on

There was a time in my life when I felt completely powerless. I was emotionally dependent on my family, friends, lovers and therapists to support me in my vulnerability and to, at times, keep me alive.

When I felt overwhelmed by my emotions, I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, or to self-harm to physically express the pain that I could not verbalise.

The one thing I always knew is that I wanted to be a mother. My daughter Sophia Mary came to me twenty years ago after I survived an overdose and was struggling with suicidal depression.

I remember before she arrived saying to myself “I would so love to be a mother but I’m not sure I could cope with mothering a disabled child.”

Sophia was born with a life-threatening syndrome and multiple disabilities.

After 9 years of Sophia and her sister Jasmine leading me again and again into the depths of the cave of Sophia, Black Goddess of Wisdom, I came to realise just how strong I was.

Then I remember saying to myself “OK, I am strong enough to cope with mothering a physically disabled child but I don’t think I could cope with mothering a child with a neurodevelopmental disorder.”

And then Zac came and not only did I have to find the courage to repeatedly save his life but he has both ASD and ADHD, and I have had to dig beyond deep to find the strength to mother him within the alternate reality in which he dwells.

Now I say to myself: “I can cope. I am strong. Bring it on.”

My personal power comes from surviving deeply personal challenges and from discovering the light of Sophia-Magdalene guiding me through the darkness of them.

No-one can take away my inner-knowing of how strong I am, nor my faith and devotion.

However much people may try to chip away at my armour, I am rock solid at my core. There is nothing negative they can say about me that a shadow part of me hasn’t already thought and been loved into union with my Self.

I can cope. I am strong. Bring it on.

At this 5th Waning Moon-Venus Conjunction, the 5th Gate of Inanna, the Gate of Personal Power, I honour each of you for surviving your own dark night of the soul and for the strength it has brought you.